Canned Death
by PeechTao -Ezra Cross
Summary: The Hornet must pit all of his training against a big game hunter who is determined to have him as the latest trophy. Without Kato, can The Green Hornet defend himself against a man the size of Frankenstein, and a cocky Crocodile-dundee wannabe?


**Canned Death**

**Book 5**

**Peechtao**

Everything ached. I woke slowly with a mild form of panic making my heart beat out of my chest cavity. It was like falling from a dream. Or having a nightmare but never seeing anything, just feeling that sudden attack of sheer terror before your body jackknifed itself awake. For me, that was troublesome. I was apparently stuffed into a box. A small, shipping box that vaguely smelled like horse dung. Or manure. However you say it.

Yuck. My hand was in something. And it squished. I heard the audible squish. I carefully raised my hand to my nose and—smelled.

"Crap! Its Crap!" I shuffled around in the cramped box, trying to remove myself from the cold pile. That was a difficult feat considering the limited space available. Overall I estimated the wooden crate was four feet squared. It was an intimate, close feeling overall, hardly comparable to my loving bed or the plush leather seats of the Black Beauty. And I was beginning to totally hate the cramped little space.

Suddenly my 4x4 world was tossed sideways. The crate flew through the air, hurdling and rolling me head over heels five or six times before hitting a dramatic stop. My body ricocheted like a brain shucked around a fighter's skull. I did what I could to ignore the fact I was probably covered in dung by now.

Things took another skiing turn for the worse when I realized that I was still dressed as The Green Hornet. And I couldn't remember why or how I got here. Or where here was for that matter. I tried to keep back the tendrils of alarm that burst forth. I reached reflexively for my mask. It was still there, still intact. Had it been removed? Was my secret out?

I knew it did no good to think about that now. I did wish Kato was around. But if he wasn't Bruce Lee-ing me out of a packing crate I was afraid he may not be coming at all.

For this adventure, The Hornet was on his own.

Which meant that I was on my own.

God, it's weird talking in the third person.

Cracks of light filtered through the broken boards of my prison after its hard stop into what appeared to be a tree. I saw only slivers of landscape. Open, occasional boulders, few trees and scrub brush. All of it read open, no place to hide, dangerous. It could have been a million locals in East LA. But who knew how long I was out for. I could be clear into Nevada by now.

Crap. Big-steaming-crap-olla.

I braced back against the far side of the crate and twisted my knee out from under me. One shove at a time I grunted and groaned against the box braces and kicked out at one of the newly loosened boards. I heard a definitive snap as the box began to give way.

(:):(:)

The utter stench of death drove me foreword until it was all I could think about, all that surrounded me. The smell cut through my clothes, reached down into my throat and shook hands with my lower intestine. The closer I got, the worse it became. It was exponential. Awful. Skunk, filthy socks, Kato's failed haggis dinner, fermented chicken, and dead, rotting flesh in a neatly tucked little ball rolling and flowing into my lungs. At one point, perhaps, a hundred yards out I could stand it no longer and folded over to wretch into the bushes.

And for your information, puking your guts out in the hot desert without a toothbrush, water, or at the least some mouthwash sucked. I would take even a breath mint at this point! But alas, stuck in the middle of an unknown desert with nothing I could do little more than work up a good spit wad and hit the dirt with it. I wiped my mouth on the back of my sleeve.

And I kept on walking towards the death smell. Maybe if it was a pile of human remains I could get a better handle on exactly the kind of danger I was running into here. If it was a bunch of road kill, that was a different matter. It would mean somewhere around here was the potential for escape if I could just find it. I prayed for the latter, but after the treatment I received I didn't hold out much hope.

As I crested the top of a small hill, I came over a scene I couldn't possibly imagine. Hundreds of headless animals. Stacks of body parts, occasional skeletons, skin leathered by the time in the sun all haphazardly covering the mass grave dug for them. Some I recognized from childhood trips to the San Diego Zoo. The remains of lions, parts of left over leopards and the end half of what may have been a polar bear. As the dry Santa Ana wind whipped over the death bowl and raced up the hill. I had to struggle not to vomit again.

Half of the bowl was covered in remains of an African Elephant. The lions and leopard packed in the rest, intermingling intestines with many species I had never seen before. And as if this sort of carnage was not enough for the world to shriek at in horror, I saw the worst piece of it all yet. The human hand.

I didn't have to stand there any longer. I knew what was really in that hole. And I knew who was behind my being dumped in the middle of nowhere. His name was Henry Balak and I had made a fool of him at a celebrity fundraiser precisely one month ago. How I ended up in his grasp is still a mystery to me, but for now, that did not matter in the least. All that mattered was getting to Balak's hunting post which was somewhere in a five mile radius. It was most likely closer than farther. With prey like me to hunt, he was unlikely to leave me to my own devises for very long.

I was just another victim. Another prey to his canned hunting. I would be his most determined prey yet. For now I needed to find a place to hole up and wait for the shooting to start. I knew his typical animal would be pacing around, wearing itself down. Foaming at the mouth. Instead I would find a good spot, let him see me go there, and wait for him to come to me.

Let the hunt begin.

(:):(:)

Day was swiftly becoming night again. I had little to defend myself from the fury about to be unleashed. A single sharpened stick was waiting in my right pocket and four good sized rocks were in the left. Who knew that the desert good afford so little by way of defense tools?

I decided to make like an Old West cowboy and found a good spot to hole up. My back and right side were to a massive rock. My left covered in a small dense copse of trees intermingled in small cacti. The only way to come at me would be head on. Not a bad idea if Balak planned on using a long range rifle. I was easy enough of a target in that case. But I knew Balak a little too well. His skewed sense of honor made it so he'd try to get in close, make this little kill a personal one. Usually he went about the country and world abducting, buying, or trading for the most rare and viscous animals to be used in his private hunting fields. The psychos who enjoyed that sort of thing would show up, wait for the crate to open, and blast away until the creature was dead. Then the private taxidermist came out and whatever acceptable part was left got stuffed and mounted.

I was sort of an animal friendly kind of guy. I figured if you wanted to hunt, do it like everybody else. Don't take a bunch of fish, throw them on land, then shoot them and call it fishing. It was sick and just fundamentally wrong all ways around.

So here I was, involved in one of his little hunting games. Except now it was a deadly duel for my very life and all because I had made a little bit of fun out of Balak during a party.

Ok, so maybe I had Kato strong arm him in front of all his friends, then dumped him on his rear, and then decided to gas him. And his two girlfriends. I shook my head a little. I guess I could understand the angry sentiment. It didn't make me feel any better about being kidnapped and dropped like a caged cat into his nature reserve.

I suddenly had a flashback to the latest Predators movie. I was totally Adrian Brody right now but it really sucked there was no Alice Braga to enjoy it with me. Well, my life just sucks all around today, now doesn't it?

The day was beginning to wind down. I knew Balak wouldn't risk losing me into the night. Or allow Kato more time to locate me if he was in the position to do so. I truly hoped he was in just such a position. And he better get on with the rescuing soon, because the all-wheel drive Jeep was bumbling across the landscape now. And Balak wasn't hunting alone tonight.

I squeezed back into the hole I had made for myself as I waited for the vehicle to approach.

Balak was sitting in the front left seat. The driver was on the right in the European style jeep. They bounced and tumbled across the rocky landscape until they were within a few hundred yards of me. I was under no assumption that he would be passing me over. He knew where I was. And he was coming right for me.

He was smart to stay far enough off. I might not hit him with my big scary rock from that distance. Or be able to stab him with my ultra-awesome pointy stick.

The jeep stopped within fifty yards of my top secret hideout. Henry Balak stood on the seat and looked directly into the copse of trees and therefore right towards me.

"Hornet?" I heard Balak yell in my direction.

I said nothing.

A rifle blast fired through the trees and cut a clean line across my Kevlar improved coat and splintered shards of rock at my back. I bit my tongue hard to keep that scream of surprise from eking out.

Ok, so I _thought_ he would kill me up close.

I've been wrong before.

"Green Hornet? Are you coming out to face me like a man? Or will you die in your den like a dog?" Balak yelled again.

I let out a loud, long laugh. "You would face me like a man? Unlikely."

Through the trees I could clearly see his sudden wash of red. I struck a nerve. Good.

"Are you questioning my masculinity? You? Who masquerades as a comic book villain?"

_Or Hero,_ I thought to myself dryly. "Me." I told him. "Put down that rifle and give me a real go. Or do you think I'll just embarrass you like the other night."

Now he climbed out of the jeep. His body vibrating angrily. "YOU! What did you do but order around your bus boy? You are nothing but a man in a mask!"

"Come and see it for yourself." I growled the challenge.

The man started toward the copse of trees. For me. His rifle once slung over his shoulder slipped down until it hit earth. A Bowie hunting knife the size of my forearm was at his belt. I suddenly started thinking about Crocodile Dundee.

He had a girl too.

God where was my damsel in frickin' distress? I was getting a little miffed at all this cloak and dagger without having chick to rescue once in a while. If anything, it was typically the opposite. The only damsel I have yet to enjoy a close (and completely, sickeningly platonic) relationship with was Casey. Then there was Glenda Owen, the cute kid of one of my City Editors. Did I want either of them to ever be in danger? No. But come on, what hero doesn't occasionally enjoy the I-rescued-your-life-sex? Or at least the loving I-didn't-die-just-then kiss? From Casey I got a slap to the face and from Glenda a kick to the nuts.

I love the women in my life!

Oh, where was I?

Balak trudged across the open landscape. I wasn't sure how close he'd dare to get to me before he'd lose that red mist over his eyes and snap back to life-saving reality. Twenty feet off and he was still coming.

I pulled one of the rocks out of my pocket, gearing up for a David and Goliath moment.

Hell, even he was better off than me. He had a sling!

Ten feet and I made my move. I had planned on staying in my hole. Waiting for Balak and his driver to decide who would come in after me. But an opportunity like this I couldn't keep back. He was probably planning for just that. I tossed the rock (and, uh, missed). I launched from my hiding spot, tackling Balak to the ground. As we struggled on the ground I realized he had a snub nosed revolver palmed, waiting to gut me through.

He never got the chance and that gave me the upper hand I needed.

The gun fired as we hit the ground. The bullet hit my top coat, the round penetrating hardly more than an inch before the strength of my coat and vest stopped it dead.

Balak had been taken aback. I guess he should have taken my clothes when he took my gun. The momentary shock allowed me to get the advantage I needed. At least for the time being. The two of us were fairly equally matched. I had perhaps half the basic fighting skill he was used to displaying. His idea of a fair fight involved head locking a jaguar and pile driving him into a field of burning cacti. I was a little more used to bringing city scum to justice.

It was an interesting match to say the least. And when I say it was no holds barred. I want you to understand exactly what I mean.

I elbowed him in the gut and he kicked both feet under my stomach and launched me over his head. I landed hard on my shoulder. I turned, half stood before launching straight ahead and chopping his legs out from under him. He hit the dirt on his back. His hand grasping for his Bowie knife as my knee drove down into his groin.

This brought a considerable reaction from my partner. His head popped up and socked right into mine. Then his right fist drove into my jaw like a freight train. I fell to the side, gasping and seeing stars. He was still reaching for his knife, but his other hand was reaching south and counting to be sure he was still intact.

We recovered at nearly the same time. I got to my knees and stood up in my boxing stance.

His knife was in his hand now as he mirrored me.

"So?" I asked as we circled one another. I noticed his back up was out of the jeep now. I was wrong before. This wasn't a David vs. Goliath match. Not yet. Goliath was coming next if I lived through the beating from Balak.

"Did you like who you found under the mask?"

Balak flipped a grin. "Unmasking you would only distract me from our game. If I kill you, I will publish my kill in the _Daily Sentinel _itself so the whole world may know who The Hornet really was!"

The guy hadn't unmasked me. Nice touch, but foolish. At least that saved him from a swift death and hasty burial.

"Pity." I said. "You won't get that opportunity."

He made the first move, leading with his unarmed hand then crossing with a swing of his knife. I felt the slice of air as the knife made the barest of cut to my top coat. This again disturbed my opponent. I saw the decision made in his mind. I was about to get a little more naked.

I launched a fist across his chin. It was just a glancing blow as he twisted away and came up behind me. His right hand dug at my back collar and pulled down. My coat slipped down with his hand. I pulled forward and turned a hard left to try and throw him off my back. But Balak was just as strong as I was. He planted himself like a tree and I found my right sleeve come off. Another swift twist as I turned on him and my coat was completely off. The knife sliced out again. I leaned back, narrowly missing it.

Balak untangled himself from my jacket. He left it to the ground as he pressed forward, slinging his knife left and right but missing each time. Now I was without my rocks and pointy stick.

I might just be a goner now.

The last slice he made I took the chance and grabbed him by the wrist. I swung hard, pulling his body forward and downward into my ready kick. I felt his ribs collapse inward with the force of my boot on him. The knife raked along my back.

And I didn't feel a thing. I forgot that Kato lined my vest with the same kevlar of my jacket. He's always thinking of me in that tender, I-can't-afford-him-to-die way. The anger flaring in the game hunter's eyes was exactly what I needed. Men got angry and they got sloppy. My hope was this situation would be no different than any other I happened to be in.

Balak got my legs and pulled up. Now I was on my back. He still had the knife, and every now and again when he got the opening he would test the strength of my clothing with it. The vest was obviously impervious. But my neck was far from protected.

"Shame." Balak grunted out. He was over me, pressing against both my arms to inch the knife deeper. "I never intended on just a head shot. I wanted to stuff you, hat and all."

"I won't give you—that chance." I hissed. I tried to move my legs, but it was useless. He had them pinned together. His pristine hair plastered down and sweated over his brow with the strain of our fight.

The only chance I had was at slighting the blow. I shifted my weight. I pushed his hands and knife to the side, allowing his momentum to slice down and deflect through the top of my green vest. I couldn't prevent the total bite of flesh it took. But it was better than death. I wondered how exactly Britt Reid (aka, me in the third person again) was going to explain away yet another stabbing. I really needed to get myself a concierge doctor for these occasions.

Maybe that will be the next adventure of The Green Hornet and Kato!

If I live through this one that is.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, so he lunged forward and stabbed half through my vest with a knife that resembled Crocodile Dundee's. Not that it particularly hurt. I was just a little ticked off that I was going to be beating up Britt Reid one more time. People were going to start talking. Honestly.

God, I get distracted easily.

I kicked him more into a roll and leaned forward to deliver my own head butt. My domino mask absorbed most of the hard impact. His nose absorbed the rest. It loosened his grip enough to allow me some sort of upper hand. I turned his body as the flood of blood erupted from his nostrils. I slipped my elbow around his neck, braced my wrist and held.

The gasped gurgle he produced told me the hold was good. Four seconds later, the exact time it took Goliath to reach me, Balak was down and out.

I didn't have time to relish the first victory before I was being lifted by the back of my vest and shirt and hurled through the air. I landed maybe ten feet away in the group of trees and cacti. I straightened as quickly as I could to extract myself from the stinging barbs. Figures the human mind doesn't exactly remember that the barbs are going to follow me. Which, they did. Goliath stomped right on over with his gargantuan feet and rained Hell down on my already tired body. I did what I could. I tried another kick to the nads, which resulted in a reaction of zero. The steroids turned him into a transsexual. He walloped me with a hard left. I hit the dirt face first, rebounded, got hit again, lifted through the air, and tossed like a ragdoll into my previously mentioned giant boulder.

I was surprised I didn't lose consciousness. I struggled up again, squeezing back against the boulder as if to disappear right into it. Goliath kept coming, his hands like sides of beef reaching for my throat.

That was a kind of strange sort of image when you think about it. I mean, imagine two big swinging racks of beef just coming at you. It would probably hurt.

But not nearly as much as Kato who was suddenly and inexplicably standing right behind Goliath.

I couldn't help twisting my face up into a grin.

"Hey, fat head? What happens when you corner a Hornet?"

The man-beast's eyes narrowed at me. I half expected a Frankenstein response.

"You get stung!" Kato yelled from behind.

Before he had the opportunity to turn and defend himself, Kato had already fired the Hornet Sting on low-but-still-supper-impressive power. Effectively shocked into last Tuesday the beast dropped in a few electrifying moments.

I exhaled a sweet sigh of relief as I collapsed back against the boulder. "Ah, Kato, thank God." I whispered.

My beloved friend rushed forward and checked on my shoulder. He seemed pensive. "What do you take jacket off for? _Ni shi ben dan, shong-di_!" he continued to rant in Chinese the way he always did when I particularly ticked him off or got him drunk.

"Kato?"

He ranted on, I think he was cursing.

"Kato?" I put my hands on his shoulders and at last he stopped. "I have no idea what you are saying. Let's just get out of here. I need to call the DA. I think we finely have the evidence we need to put Balak out of the canned hunting business forever."

Kato nodded. He indicated my shoulder. "What about that?"

"We'll have to take care of that somehow along the way." I said. I started forward, longing to see the sleek figure of the Black Beauty hidden just under the scrub and trees in front of us. "Just get me out of this Hell Hole."

"I was lucky to find you." Kato said. "Awful lucky." He paused beside Balak to grab my hat and coat which had been flung off during the battle

I waved my hand. I hit the side of the Black Beauty, opened the back door and slid in. I laid on the back seats. For the first time in this entire day of the hunt I took a breath of relief.

"I don't care." I told Kato. "I don't care if you implanted a microchip in my brain, if you knew a guy who knew a guy who snitched on a guy. I honestly have no need to know. All that matters is that you will always be there when I need you the most." I sat up and looked at him sincerely. He was starting the car, his hands tight on the steering wheel.

"That's what matters to me, Kato. That and maybe finding a good doctor to blackmail."

Kato flashed me a smile in the rearview mirror. "That was supposed to be surprise. I have found good one already. I guess it is time we pay her visit."

Again I smiled wide. I sat back into the familiar loving leather of the Black Beauty, the only real woman to be there as unconditionally as Kato. Well, sort of real woman.

"Here, let me make call." Kato said, picking his cell phone off the seat. I didn't pay attention as he dialed. I only heard the snippet of peculiar conversation.

"Yes? Dr. Owen? I have emergency case. My pet dog was hit by car. We are on our way over." Kato hung up the phone, not bothering to leave any other information.

I watched him with curiosity. So, we were going to blackmail a veterinarian. Not a bad gig.

"Hey Kato?"

"Yeah boss?"

"You really are a Swiss army knife."

Thanks for reading! I hope to have the next story done soon and it will pick up immediately after this one. Do I enjoy causing Britt pain? Totally. I'm a sadist that way. I just love it. Thanks for all the tips from my reviewers! I will continue to try and be awesome and get better at my editing for those that do not know I am also a published author. I detest editing, so I usually leave that for other people, lol.


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